


I'm Not Worth You

by hirusen



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anniversary, Blood and Injury, Body Worship, Childhood Trauma, Comfort, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Friendship/Love, Gavin Cuts Himself, Gavin Reed is Suicidal, Heavy Drinking, Hugs, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kissing, Knives, Language, M/M, Memory Alteration, Multi, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Peaceful Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Physical Abuse, Physically Restraining Someone, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Kissing, Post-Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Surprise Kissing, Talking Someone Out Of Suicide, Truth, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 07:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17679362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hirusen/pseuds/hirusen
Summary: Gavin, after a long night of heavy drinking, tries to give in to a desire that's been with him for years.





	1. First Attempt

Nines raced down the hall when he picked up the faint scent of blood in the air, shoving the door to the bedroom into the wall as he saw something he really didn't want to. "Gavin!" He shouted as he rushed over and pulled the knife out of his hands, seeing the fresh cuts he made on his thighs, silent tears streaking down his cheeks. "Give it back!" He barked with a hoarse voice, hands shaking, but it was like he couldn't really feel the pain he must be in. "No." Nines said flatly, chucking the weapon out of the room and catching Gavin when he tried to go after it. "Let me go!"

"No. I'm not going to." "Let me go you fucking piece of shit! Get off!" Gavin tried to squirm away, but Nines was an android; he knew, deep down, that he wasn't going to win this fight. He struggled some more, but the fight soon left Gavin as the episode passed; the pain he had inflicted onto his body started to throb and he hissed at the feeling of it. "Gav, I thought we agreed that you would come and talk to me when you feel an episode coming on?" Nines softly questioned, but Gavin didn't respond, he just turned in Nines's arms and clung to him.

Nines sighed and sent Connor a message that Gavin had another one. Reed has apparently been cutting himself for years, though Nines had only found out about it recently. Which said something, given that he and Reed are dating and that he's need Gavin's naked body numerous times, for a  _lot_ of different reasons. He saw that Connor had already responded to his message, most likely still awake, and said that he's told both Simon and Markus, and will be informing Hank when he wakes up in the morning. Scooping the sobbing man further into his arms, Nines moved into the bathroom and gently placed Gavin in the empty tub; it was one of his safe spaces when he has an episode and either tells Nines about it, or the android manages to catch it in time.

"Can I see your legs, Gavin?" He asks softly; no loud voices, no sharp or harsh tones, no quick or sudden moments. That's what helps Gavin the most both during and after an episode. "...What's there to see?" "Gavin, you know I like your legs; they're pretty just like you, and I want to make sure that my pretty human and his pretty legs are okay." He hushed and after a long moment, Gavin nodded his head and lifted his legs over the edge of the tub, keeping them apart so Nines could see them better. The android held in his almost mournful sigh at the sight: six cuts in total, three on each thigh, and there was one on his left thigh that, had it been deeper, was too close to an important vein and he could have bled out. "Do you want to talk about it?" Nines asked as he began cleaning up the wounds to prevent infection, since Gavin had used a dirty kitchen knife that Nines had been wondering four days ago where it went.

Reed stayed silent, and Nines guessed that was as far as this conversation was going. "...Why are you even with me, Nines?" Gavin asked out of the blue and Nines looked at him with a brow cocked. "I'm a fuck-up. I can't do my job right, I screw up any kind of event I go to, I'm a pathetic piece of shit who's a fucking stain on the good will Markus has created with humans, I'm everything that deviants hate about humans, so why are you even with me?" "Because you're a good man, Reed. Yes, you sometimes draw the wrong kind of attention at parties, but that's what makes my night half of the time when we go." Gavin locked his green-grey eyes with Nines's blue-grey ones. "The only thing you ever fuck up is my emotions, because I can't stand the thought of being away from you." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to each cut Gavin had made.

"You're beautiful. You're kind and warm, and you care in your own way." He glanced up from between Reed's legs and saw fresh tears pooling in his eyes, but he knows the reason behind them this time. "Flaws and all, you're everything I want in a lover, and I'm glad I get to call you mine." The tears fell down Reed's cheeks and Nines was quick to wipe them away, climbing into the tub behind the human now that he was finished dressing the cuts, and cradled him against his body, holding the man tightly in his arms. "Please...talk to me next time, okay? I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, _m_ _on coeur_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> French according to Google
> 
> mon coeur = my heart


	2. Second Attempt

Hank's arms were wrapped around him the moment the door to the interrogation room was closed, Connor locking it so no one could get in. "The hell were you thinking, Gavin?" Hank barked, feeling against his shoulder as Gavin opened his mouth to speak, but he growled at him to keep him quiet. "I know your answer: the usual things. But, god-fucking-dammit, you can't scare us like that!" Hank, with Connor's help, has slowly recovered from the loss of his son; he's been drinking less, starting to eat a healthy meal at least once a week, and has finally stopped playing russian roulette.

"I-I'm...sorry, Hank. I'm just fucking things up, like I usually do..." "No, none of that." Connor spoke up, resting a hand on the small of Gavin's back. "You didn't fuck anything up, Reed. We're just worried about you as your friends." It surprised a lot of the DPD when they saw just how close Gavin, Hank, and Connor were now; especially Hank and Reed, since the two were still department rivals. "You're worried because I fucked up." "We're worried because you tried to kill yourself." Hank countered and Reed grew quiet. "...Look, out of anyone in this room, I know what it's like to think that everything would be better if you were dead, but you need to understand--even for just a moment--that a lot of people are gonna miss you if you go out like that." Hank hushed, feeling as Reed gripped his jacket tightly.

"I understand that you feel relief every time you cut yourself, and I'm not saying that you should keep doing that." "...What are you saying then?" "I'm saying that if you feel like that again, if going and telling Nines about it, and you two talking isn't enough, let him be there with you while you do it." Connor looked just as shocked as Gavin when they looked at Hank. "Are you serious, Hank?" Connor asked and the older man nodded his head. "If Nines is there when he does this--which you really shouldn't be, but I know there are worse choices for that kind of mind set--then at the very least, Gavin won't be able to seriously harm himself." Connor noticed a spike in Gavin's stress levels and Hank saw the shaking in his body now that he was holding him at arms length.

"Whoa, hey, hey, hey. It's gonna be okay." Anderson stated as he shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around Gavin's shoulders, pulling the man back into his arms. "...I... I-I, really just... I want to..." Gavin tried. He tried to say that he wanted to cut himself again; that hearing their words, while he understands that they're meant to support and comfort him, only hurt right now. He feels like shit that he's making them worried. He doesn't want to hurt them like this, doesn't want them to stress out about him and his well being. He just wants all of their pain, and his pain, to stop and the only way he can think of making that happen it to completely take himself out of the equation.

"...You want to right now, don't you?" Hank asked after a moment, both he and Connor doing to usual things that would normally calm Gavin down. Both of the other men in the room frowned when Reed nodded his head. Hank let out a long, deep breath. "Connor, can you please get the med kit from my desk?" They had one in Hank's and Gavin's desk for nights when Gavin worked the night shift and he has an episode; they  **always** check in on him at regular times to make sure he hasn't hurt himself. Connor whined loudly, his LED flashing red. "Please." "Hank, don't. I don't want him to--" "I know. I don't want him to either, since he already cut himself last night, but I don't want him to try and do something worse when we're gone either." It was a shit situation, but Connor realized that Hank wasn't going to let Gavin be alone when he did this.

With a defeated breath, Connor left the room and Hank sat Gavin down, taking the chair on the other side of the table. Gavin quickly ripped his jacket off and started to roll up his left sleeve, knowing that Nines wouldn't notice that he had hurt himself again if he cut on his non-dominate arm. Connor was back a few moments later, making sure no one saw him take the med kit out of Hank's desk. Connor whimpered when Hank pulled a pocket knife from his back pocket, flipping it open and handing it to Gavin. "One cut, Gavin. You go for more, and I'm restraining you." Hank stated and Reed nodded.

"Hey, don't you fucking dare!" Hank snagged his right hand and Gavin whimpered loudly and pathetically when he did. "Don't you dare try and go down the road! You can cross the street or jaywalk, but I'm not letting you go down the road." Jaywalk is what Hank has started to call any cuts that go diagonally across the wrist or arm; it's the closest thing to going straight down that he'll tolerate with Gavin's cutting. And he chose to jaywalk, Connor having to grab his wrist as well to keep him from going any deeper. "I'm with Hank here, that's as far as I'm letting you go, Gavin." Connor stated when Reed tried to pull his captured wrist away.

The cut was long and, thanks to Connor, not as deep as Gavin wanted it to be. Still the pain provided the relief he had been seeking in that moment, though he broke down crying once Hank took the knife away. "I know, son. I know." Hank stood up and moved behind Gavin, holding him as Connor began to clean and dress the wound. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I-I know I shouldn't, but I just..!" "Sh, sh, sh. Breathe, Gav. It's okay. It's going to be okay." Connor whispered, combing his fingers through Gavin's hair soothingly. "No, it's not. It's never going to be okay. N-Not until I-I'm--" "Everything will be fine long before that day ever comes, Gavin." Connor cut in and it gave him some relief when Gavin's stress levels went back down.

Being careful to wrap the bandage around the entire cut, Connor gently tugged Gavin's sleeve down, letting Hank take over for a moment as he let his eyes drift to the two-way mirror.  _"I know. I know you want to talk to him, to comfort him, but you can't. As far as he knows, it's just the three of us."_ Connor had informed Nines that they were in the interrogation room, and messaged him when Hank said that Gavin was allowed to cut himself while they were in the room with him.  _"These episodes have been happening more frequently. Should I try and get him to see a psychiatrist?"_   _"No. Hank has told me that he went to a psychiatrist several times after he lost Cole, but they didn't help him at all, and he's afraid that it would be the same case with Gavin." "What can we do then?" "Just...be there. Be there in his lowest moments, be there for him when everything just becomes too much. I wish there was more we could do, but..."_ Connor trailed off, his silent conversation being completely missed by the humans in the room.

"There we go. No more tears, it's all better now." Hank whispered as he wiped away the tear tracks from Gavin's cheeks, wanting to help him appear like nothing had happened. He has a hunch that Connor might be talking to Nines about what just happened, but he's not gonna let Gavin know that. "...Thank you, Hank."  _I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your friendship._ He thought the words he wanted to say, but in that moment was strong enough not to. Thinking such things, for him at least, made these feelings of unworthiness feel less real than saying them; saying them meant they were true, thinking them meant they weren't. "Any time, Gavin."


	3. Heaviness

"Gavin! Oh, it's so good to see you!" Simon squeaked as he threw his arms around the man's shoulders, hearing as Gavin chuckled and returned the enthusiastic hug as best as he could. "How have you been?" "...I'm okay." "Uh-oh. Talk to me." Simon knew that tone of voice all too well; he's seen depression before and knows the signs that someone's had back to back episodes. Simon took his hand and lead him into the living room, quickly turning on the TV so there was background noise as he went further into his apartment, beginning to boil water for some tea; he knows Gavin is a coffee drinker, but he always manages to convince him to have a cup or two of tea when he visits.

"Markus not here today?" The two were pretty close and Reed was almost sure the duo had started dating not long after Markus and North broke up about a month after the revolution. "No, he's spending time with Carl today." Gavin hummed softly; Carl had died of a heart attack before Markus begun the revolution. "Now, let me see them." Simon spoke up as he set two cups of hot tea on the table, his body facing Gavin fully and waited patiently. After a solid five minutes of Simon saying and doing nothing else, Gavin gave in and quickly toed off his shoes before stripping out of his pants and long sleeve shirt, showing Simon his fresh cuts.

"Oh Gavin... What happened? You haven't had the urge to hurt yourself for a really long time." Simon asked, tracing the cuts on Gavin's thighs before the newest one on his left arm. "It's...getting closer to when..." Gavin couldn't finish that thought, but thankfully Simon understood what he was trying to say. "You did mention that your depression does get worse around this time of year. Have you told any of the others about it?" Simon asked, gently rubbing a hand up and down Gavin's leg, knowing that the motion helped soothe him.

He just shook his head. "I'm...too scared of what they'll think if I do." "They'll probably think the same thing I did." Simon retorted and it got the human to laugh warmly. "You mean want to kill him?" Simon puffed his cheeks out, stilling his tongue and it got Gavin to laugh again. "Well... I am glad to hear you laughing; if it had been anything like last year, I might have to tell them." It's been nearly two years now since the revolution, and while things have calmed down and Detroit was back to how it was before (minus the enslaved androids), Gavin's depression has only gotten worse. "So," Simon started, leaning back against the couch, "when should I start planning yours and Nines's wedding?" "Oh fuck off!" Gavin barked, playfully shoving at Simon's shoulder.

Out of all the androids Gavin's become friends with, Simon was the one he was closest with, practically calling him a brother. He's not sure where the connection he felt with Simon came from, but he honestly didn't care; it's been years since he had been able to call someone family and he wasn't about to push Simon away, not like his human had. ...Maybe that's why he feels so close to Simon; both of them being rejected by people they were supposed to be able to call family. He let the thought drift off as Simon threaded a hand through his hair, getting his attention.

"...Nines is getting worried about you." "...I know. I'm just a piece of--" "A  _wonderful_ human, and someone who gets spoiled rotten by Nines and Connor." Simon interjected and Reed was so thankful for it. "Remember, you don't get to say bad things about yourself while you're in my house, Gavin. I will stop you every time." "And if you don't?" "Then you will die from being cuddled to death." Simon responded, tenderly ruffling Reed's hair, pulling a smile onto his lips. "God, why the hell did North not like you? You're a really good guy, Simon." Named deviant shrugged. "Because she likes to break things?" The duo had a laugh about that.

"...Gavin," Simon's soft tone got the man's attention quicker than it usually did. "Can... I know we aren't dating or anything, but...can I... May I kiss you?" "...Sure." Reed said after a moment, unsure of where this was going. Simon leaned in slowly, letting Gavin have as much time as he needed to back out if he suddenly didn't feel comfortable, before he pressed his lips against Gavin's. There was no real force behind it, just simply lips against lips. And then Simon dipped his head under Gavin's chin. Reed's breath hitched as Simon's lips trailed down his neck and across his collarbones before finding the first of many scars that were caused by his cuttings and pressed a kiss to it. "S-Simon?" Gavin shook as the android pressed a kiss to each scar Gavin had carved into his skin that he could find, lavishing his fresher ones with more attention than the older ones.

Reed fell onto his back when Simon reached his hips, shaking with unsure nerves, but not feeling uncomfortable enough to have the other stop. Gavin couldn't help the little moan that left him when Simon kissed his thighs, feeling as he smiled into the muscle before going further down his legs, kissing each cut scar lovingly. Simon slid up his body and placed himself between Gavin's legs, his hands on either side of the human's head. "Nines is a lucky man." Gavin looked at him, confused. "He has such a wonderful and gorgeous man that he gets to call his own, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little jealous of him."

"W-Why? Because h-he's dating me?" Simon hummed, leaning down again and pressed a kiss to Gavin's forehead. "Anyone would be jealous of him if they saw you two together; to see that such a beauty like yourself has already been snatched away." Simon locked their eyes together. "You're an indescribably handsome man, Gavin, and I know you mean the world to Nines. You mean the world to me, too; as well as Markus and Connor." "R-Really?" "Mm-hmm. It's was so rare to have a human defend us like Hank did during the first few months after the revolution. You were one of the few people who protected us so fiercely, and we would do anything to protect you in return." "...Fucker..." Gavin trembled as tears pooled into his eyes again; he's only used to hearing Nines praise him like this, so Simon's words--someone he saw as a brother--meant just as much if not more to Gavin in this moment.

Simon smiled warmly to him and leaned down, kissing the tears away. "We will always be here for you, Gavin. Don't you dare forget that." Gavin's arms wrapped around Simon's shoulders and pulled the man against his body, Simon willingly being pulled down and hugging Reed as best as he could like this.


	4. Doubts

"So Simon mentioned that you have more marks?" Markus spoke as they walked out of the coffee shop, a fresh and warm mocha in Gavin's hands. Reed sighed deeply. "I should've known he'd tell you when you visited him." "Well, Connor had already told me, but to hear it from Simon too does make me worry about you." "Oh don't say that. It's not helping anything." Gavin snapped and Markus frowned. "Is everything okay? Simon mentioned that you spent more time with him around this time of year, but when I asked him why, he didn't say." Gavin paused in his stride, his eyes staring at the lid of his coffee cup.

"...I don't want to talk about it." "Even though you know I won't judge you?" Gavin bit his lip. He knows most androids are sympathetic about the judgement humans face among their peers, and he also knows that out of anyone he's friends with, Markus will support him no matter what; Simon was a deadly close second though, Connor and Nines tied for third. Hank... Reed thinks that he's got enough on his plate, and while not against his support, isn't expecting it either; at least, not in the same way that the deviants in their lives would support him. "...Alright. I'll leave it alone. But, just know that, while Simon will keep your secrets, if your life is put in danger because of something we don't know, he  ** _will_** tell us."

Markus was surprised at the smile his words got. "As a good friend should." Markus smiled as well, leading Gavin to Carl's home. "I thought his son would've got this." "Leo, while included in Carl's will, wasn't entitled to the house; Carl wanted me to have a place I could call my own once he passed away, hoping that--since I'd have a home--I could hide in peace." "You think you would have deviated even if Leo hadn't started that fight?" Markus grew quiet this time, thinking about it. "...Maybe. I lived more freely than others of my kind before the revolution, and he was the one who let me express pure emotion for the first time." "Oh that's right; Carl was a painter." Gavin admits, he's always admired people who could express such complex emotions in photos or paintings.

"Has there been any cases that I need to know about?" Markus asked as they entered his home, Gavin stepping passed him and grinning at the warmth of the home; it was spring right now, and the place just felt warm with color and life. "None have come up; 'sides, I know Connor or Nines would contact you if there was any that needed your attention." Given that Markus was the one who freed his people, many cases involving androids could be solved twenty times faster if they bring Markus in to help. "...Come here, I wanna show you something." Markus spoke after a moment, letting Gavin take in the main area where the deviant leader used to serve Carl his meals, leading him into the studio.

"Geez... You get bored easily?" There was paintings littered everywhere in the studio, all of them displaying varying emotions or portraits of people. "No, just have a lot on my mind. But there's one I wanted to get your opinion on." "Just one, huh?" Gavin teased as Markus walked over to an easel that had a sheet thrown over it, hiding whatever was on the canvas underneath. Pulling it off, Gavin felt as a hand gravitated towards his slowly gaping mouth: it was an image of him and Nines, lounging together on a park bench, Nines's arm wrapped around Gavin's shoulders. The joy on their faces was plain as day; Markus even noticed that Nines's nose crinkles a little when he truly smiles.

"I had noticed you two in the park about five months ago and saved this moment so I could paint it later." Markus turned to Gavin then. "You seemed much more...relaxed and joyful then." He waited until Gavin was looking at him. "Did...something happen between you two?" "No... No, it's nothing like that." "Then what? What's taken that joy away from you?" Markus asked and Gavin felt his heart and throat squeeze. Memories threatening to break to the surface, to break him once more, to make him spiral down again after he managed to crawl himself out of the pit through shear desperation alone.

"...vin?! Gavin!" His gaze snapped back into focus and he realized he was suddenly curled into a ball on the ground, arms wrapped around his head and neck, and he was shaking. "I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I'm sorry." "N-No. No, I-I'm sorry. I, I shouldn't have..." Shouldn't have what? What even happened? One moment, Markus was asking him a question, the next, he's curled into a ball and shaking in fear.  _...I can trust him, right? Tell him the truth behind my depression, tell him why this time of year is always the worst for me._ And by God he wanted to, but something in the back of his head nagged him not to. Something that kept him afraid of being judged, of being rejected, of being outcast again that kept him silent.

"...Gavin, do you know if you suffer from PTSD?" "Huh?" "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your reaction kinda goes with what I know about it, and that makes me... Well, very concerned." "...Not that, I'm aware of." He hadn't considered that he has PTSD, but it makes sense to him; there have been moments in the past where he doesn't remember anything outside of those memories, seeming to blackout, only to come to with fresh marks or someone trying to calm him down and assure him that everything was going to be fine and that they weren't going to hurt him.

_...Maybe that was his plan the whole time. Well, it seems to be working, you motherfucker..._


	5. Trigger

Gavin checked the date again.  _Only two weeks until the anniversary. Once it passes, everything will be okay._ Only, last year didn't go so well, having been thankfully with Simon that night and Gavin stayed with Simon for about a week after just to make sure that everything was okay again. He's praying that it doesn't happen again, that it's just gonna be him, alone with Nines, when the day comes. That a certain someone from his past doesn't show up and fuck things up again like last year. "Reed? Are you doing okay, baby?" Nines asked as he brought him a coffee, worry in his eyes and Gavin really hates seeing it; it always makes him feel like he's a piece of shit when he sees the people he loves and care about worry about him.

"I'll be fine. I'm just...stressed out." "About?" "...I-I don't want to talk about it right now, b-but! Maybe later..." Well that certainly was progress. Nines honestly wonders if Gavin is going to stay with Simon like he did last year; those two got awfully close during that week, and while Nines isn't worried that Gavin would leave him for Simon (though, to be honest, wouldn't blame him because DAMN that man can cook), he is a little jealous of the trust he clearly has in Simon. "Okay. Just bring it up when you feel comfortable enough to talk about; I'm always here for you." "Thanks, Nines... I love you." "I love you, too." He said with a smile, pressing kiss to Gavin's cheek before walking away to help Hank out with something.

"Is this thing something you'll tell the rest of us about at some point too?" Connor's voice nearly made Gavin jump out of his skin, glaring at the android, who gave him an apologetic smile. "I won't be telling you at this rate." "Oh, come on! You know I hate it when you keep things from me." Connor told him as he took the chair that was next to Gavin's desk, folding his arms before resting his head on them, his famous puppy dog eyes on full display. "Oh, knock it off with the eyes, Connor! That's cheating!" "If I don't get caught it's not." The snort that escaped Gavin was one Connor was glad to hear. "Oh, you really take after Hank on some things."

"Ehehe." Connor giggled, reaching a hand out and setting it on top of Gavin's left; the man was just reading over some reports and didn't need both of his hands to scroll down the page. He felt as Connor toyed with his fingers, bending and stretching them in different ways that didn't hurt, flipping his hand over to trace little patterns into his palm; he saw from the corner of his eye that Connor smirked when he let out a little giggle as he traced the patterns onto his skin. It did tickle a little after all. "...Do you think you'll be staying with Simon again this year?" Connor asked, letting his hand form against Gavin's and simply hold it, both of them enjoying the weight of their joined hands. "I don't know, to be honest. It depends on how the next few days go." He said truthfully.

Of course, it seemed that life had other plans than to give him a moment of peace.

"Detective? You have a visitor." One of the receptionists informed him and Gavin nodded his head; it's not often he has guests. Though when his guest came around the corner the dread that washed over him couldn't have been any colder. "Ah, Gavin, I was wondering if you'd still be here."

Nines glanced up to Hank when the man visibly tensed. "Lieutenant?" "Be ready to physically restrain me." Hank nearly ordered as his eyes stayed locked onto the man that just entered the room. He knew full well the relationship Gavin had with that man: not good in any way, shape, or form.

"Father, I'm surprised. I thought you said that won't be back in Detroit again." Gavin replied as coolly as he could manage, squeezing Connor's hand a little tighter, which of course brought his father's attention to their joined hands. Connor noticed the sickened glare Gavin's father shot at their connected hands, but felt as Reed gripped his hand tighter, so he didn't try to pull his hand away. It was like an act of defiance by holding Connor's hand while his father was here.

"...Come on, son; stay strong." Hank muttered under his breath and Nines set a hand on top of Hank's arm, letting him know that he was still nearby should anything happen. "Hank, what's going on?" Nines asked softly, but the man gently shook his head. "Not now. After this asshole leaves." Nines nodded just as softly, and focused his gaze onto his lover, still keeping his hand on Hank so he could keep an eye on his stress levels, which were already spiking, and restrain him should he suddenly move.

"You mind if we talk in private for a moment?" His father asked him and Connor saw the flicker of fear that crossed Gavin's face. "Actually, the detective and I were going over a case, so I don't think--" "Sure. Why not." Gavin interrupted, slowly and calmly standing up, taking his hand out of Connor's even though he really didn't want to, and lead his father into an empty interrogation room. The second the door closed, both Connor and Nines were on Hank, both demanding to know what was going on. "Gavin and his father are not on good terms; back when Gavin was still an officer, his father came in and started beating Gavin when he took him to an interrogation room." "You don't think he's gonna do that again, is he?" "I have no idea, but it makes me fucking worried as all hell; the last time he did that, Fowler had to call the SWAT team we had in the building to pull me off the fucker." Connor and Nines exchanged a fearful glance.

* * *

Gavin grunted as he was slammed into the wall by his throat, his father's hand clamped down hard enough that he knows there's gonna be a bruise for the next two fucking weeks. "So, you still being a whore and sucking cock like the little bitch you are?" "We've been over this, dad! I'm gay! Just get over yourself and drop it!" Gavin bit out, but was only pulled off the wall enough to get slammed back into it harder, the back of his head blooming to a sharp pain.  _And there's the migraine that's gonna be there for the rest of the day._

"God-fucking-dammit! Why did April even keep you? You should have been an abortion the moment after she found out!" His father spat out, but it wasn't anything he hasn't told himself a thousand times. It's his fault his mother's dead after all. If had just been a big boy and not a little whiny bitch after getting pushed onto some barbed wire that had managed to find its way onto his grade school's playground, she wouldn't have been in such a rush to pick up him to see the doctor; the right back tire wouldn't have blown out, causing the car to flip and roll. She wouldn't have collided with an oncoming semi-truck, fatally injured by the crash, and pronounced at the hospital.

"She died because of you! The least you could do to honor her is have a fucking kid of your own, but no; you, out of all people, you just had to like the taste of dick didn't you?" "Fuck you! Mom would have supported me! She would have loved me no matter what!" Gavin spat back, but realized his mistake too late. "You little bitch!" Gavin's head was slammed against the table, his vision going black for a moment, dazed and unable to get back onto his feet. "I think you need to be reminded what manners are." He heard the click of a belt coming undone and tried to move his body, but he was still stunned from the blow to his head.

He heard leather snapped against itself and instantly curled into his protective ball, crying out at the first strike.

* * *

Hank's muscles were already sore, but he couldn't relax. He was too anxious that Gavin's father would try and pull the same stunt he did all those years ago, and Hank knows that it's gonna take more than a whole SWAT team to pull him off the fucker this time around if he does; he's got nothing to lose at this point in his life.

"...op! I-I'm sorry! Please, stop!" Gavin's voice bellowed through the door of the interrogation room, and both Connor and Nines were stunned by just how fast Hank managed to move, easily out of Nines's reach before he could really process what was happening. "Hank!" Connor shouted, he and RK900 were sprinting after the older man. They caught up to him just in time to see the door be opened up and felt horrified.

There on the floor, curled up into as protective of a ball as he could make himself, was Gavin, his father above him and beating him with a belt. "Alright, fucker, come 'ere!" Hank yelled as he slammed his whole body into Gavin's father, causing him to collide with the wall. Gavin, upon noticing that his father was no longer above him, quickly scrambled into the corner on the other side of the room, both androids noticing that he made sure that he crawled under the table to protect himself. Connor's eyes snapped from Gavin to Hank and saw as he punched Gavin's father in the face a couple of times before his hands were around his throat and he was squeezing hard.

"Hank!" The name dragged Nines's attention away from Gavin to the named man and he was at Connor's side a moment later, trying to pry Hank off the man. Fowler, Tina, Chris, and a few other officers pooled into the room and helped get Hank off Reed's father. "Let me at the fucker! Asshole's fucking earned what's comin' to him!" "That's enough, Lieutenant!" Fowler barked, but his face paled a little when Hank managed to break away from the grasp of both androids long enough to sock Gavin's father right in the mouth, hearing as a couple of teeth were knocked out and hit the floor. Nines and Connor quickly wrangled the older and very angry man back and held him in place as Gavin's father was escorted out of the station (they were informed later by Tina that Gavin's father was permanently banned from ever coming into their precinct ever again).

Hank's panting filled their ears for a moment before the sound of a broken, whimpering sob snapped their gazes to Gavin, curled into a ball like a scared child in the corner, shielding as much of his body as he could. Connor slowly walked over, knelt down, and placed a hand onto Gavin's. He screamed and tried to fuse himself with the wall. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'll be good! I promise I'll be good!" He screeched and Connor quickly hushed him. "It's okay, Gavin! It's okay." Hearing a different voice, a softer voice, had Reed curious enough to sheepishly glance up from behind his arms.

And saw a familiar face.

"...C-Connor?" "That's right. He's gone now, you're safe." He reassured and nearly lost his balanced when Gavin rocketed into his body, his arms curling around him on instinct. "It's alright now. He's not going to hurt you anymore." Gavin just...broke. The wrecked and heartbreaking sobs that came from Gavin nearly reignited the fury in Hank, the man almost leaving the station to hunt Gavin's dickwad of a father down and kill him; the only thing stopping him was Nines standing in the doorway, a death glare that matched Hank's anger in his eyes. He was pissed off too, but knew that Gavin needed them more.

Connor looked at Gavin when he felt one of the hands that had buried into his jacket shakily leave his back, feeling as he offered his hand to someone. "I'm here, son. No need to be afraid." It was Hank he was reaching for as he came up on his right, kneeling down and combing his fingers gently through Gavin's hair. "I-Is... Is he, he really gone?" Gavin whimpered and Hank nodded his head, tenderly pulling Gavin out of Connor's arms and into his own. "He's gone." Reed buried his head into Hank's shoulder and didn't try to stop himself.

This was too much. It was all too much. Last year, his father had just visited him in the bullpen, telling him that he was leaving Detroit for good. But that was clearly a lie, and now, once again, he beat him like he's done so many times in the past. The urge to cut himself was stronger than he's ever felt it before and he sobbed softly when Hank grabbed his wrist as he reached for his back pocket. "P-Please, Hank, please..!" "I'm not letting you cut yourself, Gavin." "No, please, please!" He nearly screamed, both Nines and Connor scared as his stress levels screeched to 100 percent.

Hank reached for his pocket knife and handed it to Nines, feeling as Gavin tried to fight against his grasp and get the knife. "No, Gavin. Not this time." "Please! Please, I can't calm down! I-I just need to--" Gavin was cut off when Connor quickly turned his head and pressed a kiss to Gavin's lips, clearly stunning the man. Hank used that moment to shift Gavin's body so his ear was right over his heart, the man able to feel and hear it beat a calming rhythm. "Just listen, Gavin." Connor soothed and none of them missed the way Reed's shoulders dropped as he did as instructed.

"You hear that? It's nice, isn't it? All calm and relaxing." Connor continued, setting his hand on the small of Gavin's back and slowly rubbing circles into the length of tense muscles, feeling a little bit as they started to uncoil. And for the first time in what feels like years, Gavin found himself able to calm down without cutting himself. In fact, he was practically lulled to sleep while in Hank's arms; it surprised all of them, but they were also glad for this development. It meant there was hope for Gavin to possibly recover from whatever trauma had be inflicted onto him in his younger years, if not maybe learn healthier coping methods.


	6. Third Attempt

It's been two days since Gavin's father had 'visited' him at the station. Okay, let's call it plain: it's been over two days since Reed's father came and beat him at his work. And while Nines's been worried about Gavin, he hasn't shown any signs that his depression's worsened nor that he's been wanting to cut himself. In fact, Nines found him asleep in his bed, the TV still on, but Nines didn't mind; he knows Gavin likes to have background noise when he has little moments of depression, the ones where he just feels lonely or empty and likes to have sounds around so he doesn't feel so bad.

 _I should treat him._ It's been a very long while since Gavin has had fast food and perhaps now was a good time for him to get a treat; after all, nothing makes a human feel better faster than junk food. Chuckling to himself at the thought, Nines got dressed in some street clothes, pressed a kiss to Gavin's cheek, and left the house. Reed's eyes opened moments after he heard Nines take the car and drive off. He couldn't take it anymore. Once they had gotten home two days ago, the urge he had felt in the interrogation room slammed into him, stronger than ever. But he had to wait now; Nines was clearly on the look out for any signs of him wanting to cut, so he played pretend.

He was surprised it worked as well as it did, honestly; Nines could usually tell when he's lying or bullshitting in any way, so the fact he managed to pull this off stunned him, but he'll take the win for now.  _...Maybe if I decide I need to talk to someone..._ He had half a mind to go to the front door and unlock it; it was unlikely that he'll actually call someone, but if he leaves the door unlocked, then he'll signal to Nines when he gets back that Gavin was stressed out and needed him. God, is this what Hank felt every time he played russian roulette? Silently screaming for help while too scared to actually ask for it himself?

He let the thought wander away as he stripped out of his clothes, grabbed his old knife, and climbed into the bathtub. It would be easier to clean than trying to get it out of the sheets or carpet. He pressed the knife against his arm, intending to go right down the length of his arm, but...he suddenly felt too chicken to do it. Annoyed at his cowardice, he chose to jaywalk, crisscrossing the cuts so he'll bleed more. The relief came after the third cut to his arm, all of the pent up emotion and stress melting away. He moved onto his legs after cutting his arms a total of nine times, making four jaywalking cuts and the rest across the street. He cut his thighs and calves, enjoying the emotional release that came with each cut.

But it still wasn't enough.  _Been a long while since I've needed to do this..._ He thought as he leaned back a little, glancing at his chest and stomach and began cutting.

* * *

Simon groaned awake when his cell phone rang, but when he glanced at the number he got worried: Gavin Reed. "Gavin? What's up?" He heard shaky breathing for a minute before, "C-Can you... C-Can you co-come over?" "I'm on my way." Simon waited until he heard Gavin hang up before he even moved out of his bed. He got dressed in black, loose clothes, yanked his shoes on, and was out of his door seconds later. He knew he was breaking a few driving laws as he rushed towards Gavin's house, but he didn't care. He was the only one who knew the whole truth about Gavin's depression and his suicidal behavior; if he was calling him so late at night, there was only one reason for it.

Gavin was scared he might bleed out.

They both knew that Gavin would never put a gun to his head and pull the trigger, but they both also knew that Gavin didn't want a slow death either. While it sounded horrible, the fact that Gavin cut himself was actually a good thing; it meant that his need for survival will always over come his desire to kill himself. He pulled into the driveway of the detective's house and really took in the situation; Nines was out, having no idea that Gavin had cut himself again. He almost contacted him, but voted against it. Gavin had called  _him_ , which meant he's the  _only_ one he's called.

Getting out of his car, he knocked on the front door a couple of times before he heard a faint, "It's open!" from deeper in the house. Opening the door, Simon quickly moved further in, making sure to close the door behind him since he knew Nines would know that something was wrong the second he saw his car in the driveway. "Reed?" He called loudly, having not been in Gavin's house for long enough to forget where the man's bedroom was. "...In here." He heard and followed the sound, stepping into the room and then further to the bathroom when he didn't see Gavin on his bed like he usually would be when he cuts himself.

He understood why he wasn't there when Simon stepped into the bathroom. Gavin was in the tub and was  _covered_ in cuts. They were on his arms, his collarbones, his chest, his abs, his sides, his thighs, his calves. "Gavin! Holy fuck, are feeling okay?" Reed glanced up, old tear stains on his cheeks, and fresh tears now beginning to gather in his eyes. "A little light-headed." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. Have you called anyone else?" Gavin shook his head. "I...I-I don't want them to see me like this..." "Gav..." Simon hushed, pausing in his frantic search of the cabinets to level a heartbreaking look at the man in the tub.

From a quick scan of him, he's lost a lot of blood, but the cuts he made were pretty shallow this time, so most of the bleeding has stopped already. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up." Simon muttered as he finally found the first aid kit, popping it open and began to wipe away the half dried blood as gently as he could.

* * *

Nines pulled onto the road of Gavin's house and felt his Thirium go cold when he saw Simon's car in the driveway. Something happened with Gavin while he was out.  _Oh, no please don't tell me he..._ He was too scared of that thought to finish it, pulling into the driveway and grabbed the bag that was in the passenger seat. He put his key into the lock and felt no resistance as he turned it to unlock the door; which meant Gavin had already unlocked it. He rushed inside, setting the bag onto the counter as he nearly ran to the bathroom in Gavin's bedroom.

He was horrified by the sight. Simon was kneeling on the floor next to the tub, a wet washcloth in his hand as he wiped away the blood that had dried on Gavin's arm, and Gavin... Oh rA9, Gavin. There was cuts just... _EVERYWHERE_. How long did it take him to do that? How long has Simon been here, tending to his wounds? "Are you okay, baby?" Gavin flinched at the sound of Nine's voice, not seeming to have noticed his arrival like Simon did, his eyes--which were a vibrant red--quickly moving down to his feet, unable to look at him.

"How long have you been here?" He asked Simon as he helped bandage Gavin's cuts, frowning at how loudly he hissed when he tenderly wiped the alcohol wipe over the blood-free cuts. "About twenty minutes. When did you leave?" Nines wanted to cry. "Twenty five minutes ago." Five minutes. It took Gavin five minutes,  **at most** , to do this to himself. Simon didn't like the revelation either. "What happened, Gavin?" Gavin didn't respond, so Nines told him. "His father was at the station two days ago and beat him." The horror that crossed Simon's face couldn't have made Nines's blood run more cold in his life.

"Gavin, do you want me to stay with you for a while?" He weakly shook his head. "Did you want to stay with me for a while?" Again, he shook his head. "...Are you really going to be okay?" The human just gave them both a blank look, like he had totally zoned out of the moment. He kinda had, feeling both warm and numb at the same time. It was an interesting feeling for sure, but he wasn't sure if he like it yet or not.


	7. Fears

Gavin checked the date for the forth time today. In less than three days, the anniversary would be here, and then it would be gone, and he'd be okay. And he's been numb. It was that same warmly numb feeling he had when Nines and Simon treated his attempt to take his live in the bathtub. He found that he kinda liked it, but it also scared him. He liked it because he couldn't feel the pain that usually causes him to cut himself or considered ending it all, but it also scared him  _because_ he couldn't feel that pain. It was an odd state of mind to be in. Even more so as he was cuddled up between Connor and Markus on Hank's couch, the three of them watching a movie while Hank was out with Nines and Simon, no doubt being informed about what had happened in more detail.

He felt someone's hand in his hair and glanced to Markus, who was smiling warmly to him. "You doing okay?" "Mm-hmm." It wasn't a total lie; since that numbness was there, he hasn't had a minor or major episode of depression, so he was doing better in some sense. He felt Connor's breath wash over his neck before his lips where on his skin, a content sigh leaving Gavin. Neck kisses were such a weakness of his and Nines loved to exploit that any chance he got; makes sense that he'd tell Connor he likes them. "I'm glad. It's nice to see you so relaxed." "It's nice to  **be** so relaxed." Markus and Connor both chuckled as they rubbed Reed's arm and leg, comforting him even more.

"Though, I have noticed that you keep glancing at your phone; expecting a call to come in?" Markus asked and Gavin shook his head. "Simon knows why I'm so antsy, but I... I'm just not, not...ready to tell anyone else yet." "And that's okay. But, it's good that you're thinking about telling someone else." "Yeah, Connor's right. I know that it can sometimes feel better if you don't tell someone, but trust me, it's better to have people at your side who will support you than to face something alone." Gavin smiled at Markus's words.

* * *

Two days left before the anniversary and Gavin can't believe he has to sneak out of his own damn house in the middle of the fucking night, but here he is. And where, prey tell, was the man sneaking off to? The liquor store. The urge to drink has suddenly been stronger since that numbness settled in. He browsed the lines of bottles and found some heavy hitting whiskey.  _184 proof whiskey?_ _Yeah, if I drink that I'm gonna be **out** in like, twenty minutes._ Perhaps that would be a good thing? Make sure he has company and then just drink himself under the table so he doesn't have to face any bad memories popping up.

So, he bought the bottle. Anything to help get him through what was going to happen in the next two days.

* * *

 _This is it. Tomorrow's the big day._ He was understandably nervous. Well, understandably to Simon that is; the others had no clue why Gavin was so jittery, and while it pained him to not say anything, he's heard from the others that Gavin's been thinking about telling them why his depression gets worse this time of year, so he let it be.

In hindsight, that may not have been the best decision to make.


	8. Temptation

Gavin couldn't believe his luck! He was stuck on patrol for his whole shift while Nines was forced to stay at the station; they had been working on a case and the suspect they arrested would only talk to Nines. Hank and Connor couldn't come with him because they were pulled away on a fresh homicide case and had no clue that Gavin wasn't at the station; Simon and Markus were at Markus's home, so even if Nines did inform them about his patrol shift, there wasn't much they could do about it. So he did the responsible thing...

He snuck back to the station, took his car, and went back home.

Alone.

* * *

"Fuck this whiskey is good!" He bubbly stated to no one as he swayed a little bit. He was about a fourth of the way through the bottle at this point, taking it slow since his patrol lasted a full five hours and it had only been two. That numbness was tingling all over his skin, and he felt even warmer thanks to the alcohol running through his system. It was the first time he's actually felt pretty good on this anniversary.

Though, that quickly changed when he had recalled what the anniversary was about.

You stupid, whiny baby. You couldn't have been a big boy and kept quiet could you? Look what happened! Your mother was killed and it's all your fault! Your father was right, she should have aborted you as soon as she found out. You deserved every beating he gave you, because it was your fault. You're the one who tore your family apart.

And look at this! You've gotten some friends, and even a boyfriend! You really think you deserve them? You think  _you_ deserve to be happy? Why? Because you have people who care about you in your life? Oh please, Gavin, grow up. They don't care about you; they say they do, sure, but they don't mean it. Why would they? You're a fuck up. You can't save lives like you're suppose to. You're piece of shit. A faggot. You can't make Nines happy. You've never been able to make Nines happy. He dates you out of sympathy because you're just that pathetic.

Simon? Oh yeah sure, you two were both outcast by people you were suppose to be able to call family, but unlike you, Simon didn't deserve to be abandoned. You? You should have been abandoned from the start, Reed.

Connor? He hates you. He's always hated you. Friends? With the man who put him down and tried to kill him? Yeah right.

Hank? Oh, he's just taking pity on a bastard who he knows should be long gone by now. Him protecting you? Fighting your father? All to gain your trust so he can beat you himself. And why wouldn't he want to? You deserve it for all the shit you've given him and Connor.

Markus? That's the greatest fucking joke you've ever been the butt of. The leader of the deviants friends with an android hater? Oh, you're the most classic of punchlines, buddy.

Other androids? Oh, they really want you gone; after all, you just use them like toys. Why would they want an asshole like you around?

Forget going to anything social too; you fuck up those so badly, it's a wonder someone hasn't put you out of your misery out of pity.

You're unattractive. No one wants you. No one likes you. No one will mourn your death. You're honestly just be better off dead.

The thoughts just kept pouring in, and the more he drank, the more right they sounded. He downed the rest of his glass, stood up, and went to his room. He pulled open the top drawer on his nightstand and grabbed the pen and notepad he kept in there.  _Go ahead and write your goodbye, no one's gonna care._


	9. The Note

Nines kept bouncing his leg. Any minute now, Gavin was going to appear, say that he had a run in and didn't have time to call it in, or that traffic was bad, or that he had to go and check in with Simon or Markus. He was going to show back up.

Nines felt his Thirium pump drop into his stomach when Gavin's shift ended and he didn't show back up. "Guys, did you two run into Gavin at all?" He asked as Connor and Hank gathered their things, looking just as uneasy as Nines. "No, and neither has Simon or Markus." "You think he fell asleep in the car?" Hank suggested, wanting to be hopeful. It was something that happened now and then when Gavin just couldn't get enough sleep at night. "...I hope so, Hank." Nines offered Connor a weak smile when he ran up and hugged him, not liking seeing him so upset.

"He could have just finished up his patrol early and then went home without checking in if he's tired; I didn't see his car in the lot when we came back." Nines didn't like the chill that ran down his spine at Hank's words. Today was the today Gavin and Simon seemed to have been anticipating. But for what reason, only those two knew. "Try to call his phone if he's not home; maybe he just wanted to be alone for a bit, and hasn't noticed the time." Hank offered once more, like he was hoping one of the things he's saying was true.

Nines nodded his head, gave Connor a squeeze in return, and left for his and Gavin's home. "Gavin? Honey, I'm home." He called and was greeted with silence. "Reed?" He tried again, letting his sensors take in the environment; he got scared when he didn't find any signs of Gavin's heartbeat or breathing anywhere in the house. He quickly tore through the place, going to every spot he's found Gavin after he cuts himself, becoming more and more frantic when he couldn't find him. Doing as Hank suggested, he called Gavin's phone.

 _"This is Gavin. I'm either too busy or too tired to answer the phone; leave a message if ya want, I'm not gonna check it."_ The voicemail greeted him and once more his blood ran cold.

And that's when he noticed the opened bottle of alcohol on the counter, an empty glass next to it. And under the bottle was a note. One that had Nines choking on bile as he read it.

 

> _Nines,_
> 
> _I know this isn't want you wanted. You didn't want to find a note, left behind while you frantically searched for me, but...I couldn't fight it anymore._
> 
> _Yes, I had depression. Yes, I've been trying to kill myself. But, I've been trying for years; ever since I was 17 in fact. I guess you can only put up a good fight for so long, huh?_
> 
> _If you really want to know why my depression got worse around this time of year, ask Simon; now that I'm gone, he has no reason to keep my secret any longer._
> 
> _He, Connor, Markus, and Hank are gonna be probably just as devastated as you are right now when you tell them the news that I've killed myself, and I know I'm being selfish for asking this, but please be there for them. Especially Hank. I'm sure my death isn't going to make things easy on him, given how recently he's gotten over his own suicidal thoughts thanks to Connor._
> 
> _I...wanted to say thank you, for...all of the time and love you've given me. I didn't deserve a single second of it, but you gave it anyway, and for that I thank you. I honestly don't know if you meant a single moment of it, but it was nice to feel loved and wanted for a bit, even if it was all fake in the end._
> 
> _And please don't be broken up about my death; there's better fish out in the sea than me, and they deserve your attention more than I did._
> 
> _But, for what it's worth, I will say that I did love you. With all of my heart._
> 
> _Thank you for everything,_
> 
> _Gavin Reed_

In a panic, Nines contacted everyone as he rushed to the car, trying Gavin's phone again in hopes that he'll answer this time. As he got back into the car and sped off, he grimaced when all he got was Gavin's voicemail once more right as the others picked up.

"Nines? What's going on?" Hank asked, Connor having most likely put the man's phone onto speaker. "It's Gavin. He's gone and he's left a suicide note." "WHAT?" They heard Simon scream, fear in his voice. "He thinks that none of us, especially me, has actually loved or cared about him, that it was all just fake even though he loved us back. He asked me to be there for all of you after I tell you that he's dead, but I'll be damned if I'm just going to let him kill himself."

"What the fuck are you gonna do, Nines? You know he's tech savvy enough to keep you guys from tracking his phone." Hank pointed out, and it was true; when he was searching the house for Gavin, he tried to track the location of Gavin's phone, only to find that it was being blocked. He knew that Gavin's phone won't go to voicemail if it's turned off, so he knows its still on. He ripped around the corner, narrowly missing the other car, but he didn't care. He needed to find Gavin. "Was there anything else in the note that could tell us where he went?" "No." Nines said, chewing on his lower lip.

He was about to say something else when his actual phone buzzed; he had been interfacing with everyone else's phone so he could drive hands free. "Nines?" He heard Hank ask as he checked the screen. "I'll call all of you back soon; it's Gavin." There was a collective understanding as everyone disconnected, Nines quickly answering the phone. "Gavin?"  _"...Oh. It's you."_

He wanted to cry so badly, mainly of relief. Gavin had called him, which meant he was still alive. "Yes, baby, it's me. Where are you?"  _"...Some place pretty."_ He was trying to track him while they were connected, but it was no good. "Yeah? It is some place we've been to before?"  _"Hmm... No, no we haven't been here before."_ Nines quickly changed his route so he was now heading into unfamiliar territory. For someone who's ready to take their life, Gavin was a pretty smart cookie; he must have known Nines would begin his search in areas and around places he knows Gavin's familiar with, places that would be the easiest for him to get to quickly.

"Did you drive your car there, baby?"  _"Yep! Managed not to crash too!"_ "Oh good. You always loved that car; I'd hate to see it get ruined." Gavin drunkenly gigged on the other end. "Heh, did someone get a little tipsy while I was away?" He spoke, tone teasing. He was trying to keep Gavin talking; the longer they talked, the more time Nines had to find Gavin.  _"I did~! And boy, I wish you were here. The view's so pretty..."_

View. Which meant high.

He detoured so he was heading for the areas with the tallest buildings. "I wish I was there with you too,  _mon chéri_." Another giggle.  _"I love when you speak French. What does that one mean?"_ "It means my cherished one." There was a pause. "Gavin?"  _"...Y-You don't mean that. I know you don't."_ "But I do. Baby, please can you tell me where you are? I wanna enjoy the view with you." There was a little hiccup of a sob before,  _"No. You don't mean that. You don't cherish me. You've never loved me!"_

So, he switched to a language he knew Gavin understood. " _Gavin Reed, ti amo con tutto il mio cuore. Nessun giorno, nessun momento, nessuna ora, nessun secondo trascorso insieme è stata una bugia. Per favore, dimmi dove sei._ " Italian was one of the first things that brought the two closer when they were first starting to get to know each other; it was a second language for Gavin, and whenever he was under duress, he would speak it as a defense mechanism, knowing that only Nines understood what he was saying.

 _"...I'm at the highest building in Detroit."_ And then he hung up. "Gavin?! GAVIN!" The fear and panic sent in even worse, but he didn't have the time, contacting everyone again. "Nines? Where is he?" Connor demanded to know, so he kept it short because he needed to focus on getting to Gavin. "Highest building in Detroit; I don't care how you get here, just get here." He hung up on them as he got closer to his destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italian According to Google
> 
> Gavin Reed, ti amo con tutto il mio cuore. Nessun giorno, nessun momento, nessuna ora, nessun secondo trascorso insieme è stata una bugia. Per favore, dimmi dove sei. = Gavin Reed, I love you with all of my heart. No day, no moment, no hour, no second we spent together was ever a lie. Please, tell me where you are.


	10. Final Attempt

He was staring at the night sky when he heard footsteps crunch along the gravel that coated the rooftop. "...Hi, Nines." Gavin greeted, turning to face the android, his expression and body language totally calm.  _'We're all here. What floor?' 'Top.'_ He told Markus and now they played another waiting game; Reed was still pretty far away from the edge of the building, but he made it very clear to Nines that he couldn't get closer without it ending in Gavin's death when he took a step forward only for him to take one back.

"Okay. Okay. No getting close." Nines announced aloud, not sure just how quickly the others were ascending to the top, but wanted to make it clear to Gavin that he was in control. His life, thankfully, was in Nines's hands. "...You are right, this is a pretty view." He'll admit to that much. There aren't too many places with good views like this in Detroit, so it's good to take a moment to enjoy them. "...Why'd you come?" "Because I care about you." He glanced over his shoulder when he heard the rooftop door open up behind him, the others finally joining. "We all care about you, Gavin."

"...Heh, yeah right. Like you all give a shit about a worthless fucker like me." "What? No, Gavin it's not--" Connor spoke, taking a few steps forward, but stopped when Nines threw his arm out in front of him. "What are you doing, Nines?" Hank growled and Nines sighed, taking a step forward. The group watched horrified as Gavin took one back. "We go towards him enough and he will die." "Fuck..." Gavin did, however, let them all line up next to Nines, so that was something. "It's not the truth, Reed." Markus finished Connor's comment, but the man just shook his head.

All of the androids did a bio-scan of Gavin and were stunned that the man was still functioning, let alone standing; his BAC was 0.233, which meant that Gavin was at risk of just passing out any second. It was impressive that he was speaking as clearly as he was, let alone the fact that drove here. If he was going to go out, he was going to go out a legend. "Ya fuckers are still lying, huh?" Gavin questioned, taking a step back; which forced the group to take one forward. He really knew just how much control he has right now, and was using it well.

"We aren't lying, Gavin. We really do care about you." Connor spoke up, glancing to the group before nodding and taking a step forward. They knew it would push Gavin back another step, but they trusted that Connor knew what he was doing.  _'I know you guys aren't going to like it, but we've got to get him onto the ledge.' 'What?! Connor, are you out of your mind?'_ Markus asked, poor Hank out of the loop because they were all interfacing, but thankfully Simon was keeping him informed.  _'No. If he's at the edge of the building, and realizes exactly what he's attempting to do, then we have a chance to talk him down.'_ Connor told them and he felt a collective, nervous swallow be taken.

If they failed, they'll lose Gavin.

 _'...Alright, let's do this.' 'Simon? Why the hell are you so on board?' 'Nines, he must have said in the note to ask me why his depression gets worse around this time of year, right?' 'Right..? What are you getting at?' 'I can tell all you and get Gavin to face it at the same time.' 'What do you...'_ And then it clicked. Simon was the key in this. If they do as Connor instructed, and then Simon tells them the reason for Gavin's behavior, it could work in their favor. They all nodded as a group and Gavin narrowed his eyes. "Agreed to kill me then? Or are you just gonna stand there and watch me die?"

"We're not going to let you die, son. Not after everything you've been through." Hank stated, taking a step forward--Gavin taking one back--and they all saw the fear and anger wash over his face. "And what the fuck do you know about what I've been through, huh?!"  _So he has been through some kind of trauma. At his father's hand, perhaps?_ He knows there's been some puzzle pieces left out for them to put into place, but Simon was the one who knows how they all fit together.  _Ten more steps and he's on the ledge._ Nines estimated, sharing the information with the others.

"It's something that makes you angry, I know that much." Markus spoke, taking a step. Nine more steps. "And what would you know about being angry, Markus?" "More than you think, Gavin." Connor told him, moving closer to Reed. Eight more steps. "S-Stay back!" "There's no need to be afraid, Gavin. We're all right here." Nines cooed, moving forward. Seven steps.

"So? That doesn't mean anything! Doesn't mean that you care!" "But we do, Reed. We care a lot more than you know." Connor said, taking another step. Six steps. "No you don't. You don't give a shit about me, and I don't blame you. Who would care about a fucking faggot like me?" "I do. I care a lot about you, Gavin." Nines stated, moving another step towards Reed. Five steps. "W-Why are you doing this? Do you really want to see me dead that badly? To finally kill of the fuck-up you've all pretended to care about?!"

"No one wants to see you die, Gavin, but we don't want you to hurt yourself either." Hank said, moving closer. Four steps. "Liar! You fucking liar!" "We aren't lying to you, Gavin." Markus told him, moving closer. Three steps. "Yes you are... Yes you are! No one cares about me! None of you do!" "I do! Connor does, Hank does, Markus does, Simon does. We call care about you, Gavin." Nines barked, his fear kinda getting the better of him in the moment, but only took one step forward. Two steps left. "Really? Because I don't see that right now." "And what do you see?" Connor asked, talking a step closer. One step left. "I see everyone  ** _BUT_** Simon talking! Why is that, buddy? Huh? The one person I thought I could call my brother? Why aren't you talking?!"

Simon said nothing as he took the final step closer, Gavin quickly climbing up onto the ledge, their eyes locked together.

"You wanted me to tell them why your depression gets worse this time of year? Fine, I'll tell them." Simon stated, his eyes never leaving Gavin's. "Today, is the anniversary of your mother's death." It was the hardest punch to the chest any of them felt and it was about to get worse. "It's also the day your father started to beat you." Nausea threatened to make the world spin, but the group managed to stay composed and listen to Simon. "You had been bullied on the playground in second grade, when you were pushed and fell onto barbed wire that had managed to get into the area. Your palms had been punctured and your teacher called your mother so she could take you to the hospital to get your hands properly treated.

"Your mother was driving your  _father's_ car, the only car she could take because she had noticed that someone had cut her fuel line and had taken the car to get repaired." And the look of horror on Gavin's face matched the groups. "W-What? N-No, my mother took her car, th-the back tire blew out and it caused the car to flip and roll." "No, Gavin. That's what your father wanted you to remember, but I looked into it. Your mother had been lucky with the traffic lights and was hitting greens until she was almost to your school; the light was turning yellow, but when she went to set on the breaks, the car didn't slow down; your father had cut the break lines on his own car to get your mother into an accident. He wasn't planning on the semi-track driver to not be paying attention and be the thing that stopped the car your mother was in.

"He wanted to just get her hospitalized so he could bank on her medical pay while she recovered. But she died when she arrived at the hospital, the doctors doing what they could, but sadly couldn't save her." "N-No. No, Simon, you're wrong. Th-That's not... That's not what..." Gavin tried, tears rimming his eyes as he began to shake. "Your father didn't get the money he wanted after he had planted the barbed wire all over the playground of your school, knowing full well that you were being bullied and would end up getting hurt, and he started to beat you in anger after you two had returned home. A few months after the funeral, when you had just turned seven, he began to beat you even worse. He  _made_ you believe that it was all your fault. He  _made_ you think poorly of yourself for years; that you don't deserve to be happy, that it was your fault your mother was gone.

"But it's not your fault; it's your father's fault. But after ten years of enduring his beatings, you couldn't take it any more and tried to kill yourself. That attempt was when your depression first showed up, as well as your PTSD caused by the sudden death of your mother followed by your father beating you. You were too scared when you first tried to take your life, but you realized that you felt better when you had cut yourself, so you did it whenever you felt an episode come on; you cut your legs at first because it was easier to hide and explain away than your arms. It's why you have more scars on your legs than the rest of your body; your chest has the second most scars because those were just as easy to cover up.

"When you moved out at 19 and began training to be a cop, you met Tina and Chris. Their friendship helped ease a lot of the emotional pain you felt, and it's why you're so protective of them. And then you joined the force and met Hank, and he helped put you more at ease; and then he introduced you to his son, Cole, and you had one more reason to let all of that emotional pain slip away." Simon knew that he's said enough, that Gavin honestly couldn't take any more of his words, of the truth being thrown into his face, but he needed to say it; Gavin needs to face this here and now. "And then Cole died." Those four words had Connor slipping his eyes away from Gavin for just enough to look at Hank and see the pain in his eyes.

"It wasn't just Hank that was hit hard by his death; you were too. Cole died because of a car accident, just like your mother had. You weren't involved in anyway, but you felt responsible for what happen. You saw as Hank changed and blamed yourself for that too; no matter what Chris or Tina said, you didn't feel any better. So you started cutting yourself again. And this time, you felt better; and what's more? You had the perfect excuse if anyone asked: you, are a police officer. You put yourself into danger, and sometimes that means you get hurt. No one would question a cop who's covered in scars; they'll just think you're dedicated to your work.

"And then, some years later, here comes Connor, and Markus, and a fucking android revolution." Gavin was shaking so hard at this point, it was a miracle he hasn't just slipped off the edge. "A threat to your job, a threat to your life, and an apparent threat to the whole of Detroit. Again, it wasn't your fault, you didn't start this, but you blamed yourself and once more cut yourself. And once the dust had settled and things had ended peacefully? When you slowly became friends with me, and Markus, and Connor, and Nines, and rekindled the friendship I know you had with Hank? You started to feel better. Yeah, it took a lot of time to get comfortable around androids fully, but you did it, and you were getting better.

"But then, out of no where, here comes your father. The man who had beat you; the man you didn't know had killed your mother. And you're reminded of all the pain, and anguish, and guilt from all those years ago. And one year ago to the day, I found you at my doorstep, crying like the world was ending, begging to be let inside. And I did. I let you inside and I helped you, and I comforted you during one of the longest nights of your life. I convinced you to stay with me for a full week after, after you told me all of this, because I was scared that you were going to hurt yourself, because I was scared you might try to kill yourself." Gavin let out a weak laugh.

"It seems your fears were right..." "But Gavin, during all of this year, I've tried to get you to see something that you've had all this time." Gavin looked at him with a brow raised, and Simon simply spread his arms out, gesturing to the group. "None of us have left your side.  _All_ of us care about and love you in our own way." Gavin looked like he just got slapped. "...And I know my words have weight with you, but I know of one more man who's words you care about just as much if not more." And Nines took a huge risk. He took a step forward.

Gavin stayed put.

"He's right. And I'm telling you for the thousandth time, for a thousand times more, and until your last moment alive: I love you, with all of my heart, body, and soul. Please, Gavin, don't do this." He stretched his hand out as he took another step closer, than one more, bringing himself within arms reach of Gavin. "Come down from the ledge and lets go home." "...Have you...always meant what you said on the phone with me?" "I've never lied to you before, I see no reason to start to now. I love spending every moment of my existence with you, and I wouldn't trade my memories with you for the world." There was a long moment of stillness before Gavin pulled a hand up close to his face, unsure of what he should do. He glanced down and knew that if he leapt now, Nines would surely go down with him, but now...

Now the truth was out, splayed for the six of them to see, and for the first time in fucking years, the warmth Gavin feels doesn't come from that numbness he's felt. It's a warmth that spreads and tingles throughout his whole being and it felt good, and nice, and he finally,  ** _finally_** , believed their words, and could feel the love and worry and warmth from them all, and for once in his goddamn life didn't feel like a totally worthless piece of shit for making them feel that way. It showed him that they cared, that they were honestly worried for him, that they wanted to stay by his side.

Nines smiled wide when Gavin took his hand and carefully stepped off the ledge and into his arms.


	11. Six Months Later

"You think that'll go well with them though?" "Of course I do! Plus it matches the theme very nicely, if I do say so myself." Simon proudly announced to Gavin who giggled at him, playfully shoving at his shoulder. "I still can't believe it." Hank muttered to himself as Connor was busy calling a couple of good, local flower shops. "To be honest? Neither can I." "How do you not believe it?! You're the one who did it!" "Oh shut up, Hank! I didn't think I'd do it so quickly!" "But I don't blame you though." Markus nearly purred as he joined them on Simon's couch, handing Gavin a cup of tea.

"No?" "No. Having a man like Nines  _all_ to yourself? I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner." "That's what I've been saying for the past six fucking months!" Simon and Markus teased, but Hank chuckled at the smirk that spread Gavin's lips. "So? Do we have a date for you two?" "Yeah, when is that gonna happen?" Hank teased with Gavin and both of the androids that flanked Reed blushed, the man busting out laughing.

"Oh that's a lovely sound to come back to." Nines spoke as he entered the apartment, returning Connor's hug when he nearly threw himself at him. "Hey, back off Connor. He's mine." "We can share." "Nope. No. Not gonna happen.  ** _NO._** " Hank quickly countered and everyone had to suffer Connor's puppy dog eyes. "Oh come on, Hank! There's no need to be cruel to all of us!" Simon barked. "Nuh-uh. If I have to endure this every goddamn day, you get to suffer with me." Hank retorted, eyes narrowing at Simon, who only grinned and rolled his eyes.

"Maybe we'll get to do this with Hank and Connor one day." "What? Plan their wedding?" Nines asked as Gavin set his cup down and wrapped his arms around him, leaning up to lock their lips together, both of them ignoring the cat calls and wolf whistles from the others in the room. "Still can't believe you proposed to me." "I'm still waiting for all this to be a daydream and for you to pop the question to me." "I mean, I still can." Gavin, as well as the others, looked confused, but the human before Nines only laughed when he dropped to a knee and offered up their wedding bands.

"Oh come on, let there be a bigger audience than just them!" "It's not gonna get that much bigger and you know it!" It was true. The only other people invited to the wedding were Tina, Chris, Kara and her family. "Still more people." "Oh you." Nines loved the little giggle that escaped Gavin when he pulled him flush against his body, feeling as he leaned his head against his chest. "...I'm glad I get to live my life with you." "And I'm glad I get to spend every moment of it with you."


End file.
